spidertime | (no subject)

TT: It's good to know that you can recognize a figure of speech when you see one. I'll have to remember that.
TT: That was sarcasm, by the way. Just in case you missed it. I wouldn't want you to come away with the wrong impression.

TT: If you keep harassing me about it, then maybe I'll get you something else entirely.
TT: Such as a lifetime supply of smuppets.
TT: You know, for old times' sake. I could bury your room in them.
TT: Every morning you'd awaken to a pile of impudent, jutting noses.
TT: Every night you'd be lulled to sleep by a choir of quivering plush rumps.
TT: In fact, I think I like this idea even better than the one I had before.
TT: Thank you, Dave, for helping me to see the light. I know you'll appreciate the gift.

TG: facetious n. (/fɨˈnɛtɪk/ʃɪt/) me at all times
TG: youre going to be left behind in my swathes of irony
TG: get to my level but bam ive gone up ten and saved the princess
TG: who also happens to be you but its a ways off yet and youll see when you get there its a oscar winning drama which means it made the judges cry

TG: dont even say it rose
TG: i can still feel them around the place like a phantom limb
TG: apart from theyre fluro and jiggle

TT: Oh, I'm more than saying it.
TT: I'm walking to the alchemiter as we speak.
TT: The prospect is so exciting that I'm even willing to overlook your most blatant "i want to fuck my sister" moment yet by implying that I am your princess to rescue to focus on the task at hand.
TT: I'm afraid I don't have the captcha codes necessary to begin production at the moment, but I'm sure I can figure something out. Perhaps by using Terezi's scalemate friends as a base.
TT: If nothing else, I'm sure Kanaya would be more than happy to stitch a prototype from with the proboscalypse can well and truly begin.

TT: Which actually brings me to a question I'd been meaning to ask you.
TT: Sort of.
TT: Your birthday is the third, but because of your incessant time travel, you're a good few days older than you should be.
TT: Would you prefer your birthday celebrated on the customary day, or the day that you truly reach another year?

TG: princes dont have to be married to the princess you know
TG: they can be the princess bro too
TG: like check it you couldnt be a princess in law could you
TG: and im no half assed guy who needs to marry into higher blood either
TG: only way it works is for me to just be a cool guy who thought hed save his sis from the tower and give her a haircut while hes up there
TG: no romance necessary
TG: bone up those theories rose this ones not going anywhere

TG: you think too much about it
TG: if i get a choice i want it on a tuesday though
TG: nothing good ever happens on a tuesday so we should give it a break
TG: dust it off and make sure its doing okay hand it a cake along with mine
TG: can we get cake on this place
TG: scratch that
TG: can we get chocolate cake
TG: no other kind of cake will do for my precious tuesday

TT: Nonetheless, the image one tends to conjure when confronted with the classic knight in shining armor scenario is one of a dashing, handsome, virtuous prince rescuing a swooning damsel, who presents him with true love's first kiss as a reward.
TT: Fortunately for me, knight though you may be, you possess none of said qualities in any meaningful measure.
TT: It's interesting, though, the way you chose to phrase that statement.
TT: "Bone up."
TT: Hmmmmm.

TT: You could take my proclivity towards overthinking the situation as a sign that I do, in fact, care.
TT: But really, that sounds like entirely too much effort, and to move your birthday up to a Tuesday would result in the celebration coming a full five days early. You spent quite a lot of time time traveling, but I don't think you spent that much.
TT: It was a dumb idea, anyway. I do have them, from time to time.
TT: Saturday the 3rd it is.
TT: I'll see what I can do regarding the cake, though.

TG: i put that in there just to test you
TG: see if you were keeping an eye out and really cared about my sister fucking tenancies
TG: im touched that youre still so vigalant looking out for me
TG: keeping my dick in check
TG: not getting it out of my pants today doctor lalonde got out her lock and key

TG: saturdays hog all the glory
TG: i guess it can win this time
TG: next round though were going to spread this light around

TT: My ever-present vigilance knows no bounds.
TT: At this rate, I might as well find a way to alchemize a chastity belt for you.
TT: Then you'd be able to get a handle on your flagrant incestual urges without a problem.
TT: Another project I'm sure Kanaya would be more than happy to help with, no doubt.
TT: We do always need things to keep us busy, these days.
TT: Though I suppose that might defeat the purpose of the Smuppets. I know how much you love those.
TT: I'll give the matter some though.

TT: In that case, you'll be pleased to know that your birthday will fall on a Monday next year.
TT: And perhaps something good will happen on this most unholy of days, for once.
TT: I think we might even be able spare a little time to grant the poor day a moment to shine.

Edited 2013-02-06 06:11 (UTC)

TG: are you suggesting in that wave of purple that the pristine miss maryam has forfeited her chastity belt and is offering it up for those who need it
TG: i thought she was waiting until the 4th
TG: i dont know what to say
TG: id make you something to say congrats but karkat ate my mouse
TG: something about it offending his culture and containing precious vitamins
TG: ive been keyboardin it this whole time
TG: its like skateboarding but nerdier

TT: That is a secret known only to the two of us.
TT: ;)
TT: Well, hopefully only the two of us. One never can quite tell whether or not Gamzee is hiding in a nearby vent, or whether his accursed honks are merely echoing from somewhere across the meteor.
TT: In any case, your chastity belt will likely be one created just for you.

TT: He ate your mouse?
TT: There must be a story there.
TT: And of course you have to tell me.
TT: I'm only sorry that I wasn't there to see such a miraculous event myself.

TG: id be fine with the hand me down
TG: i checked and our asses are the same size
TG: slim and fit
TG: like an aerobics instructor

TG: downed the thing in one
TG: took him a while to chew through the cord though
TG: got that part as a recording if you wanna see
TG: it was like an angry anaconda eating a mouse
TG: just the squeaky kind
TG: he ate the clicky kind
TG: because i dont really have the squeaky kind
TG: he tried to rant through it but the cord and slight electrocution got in the way

TT: Does Kanaya know that you were checking out her ass?
TT: She is still an alien vampire with a chainsaw, you know.
TT: A taken alien vampire with a chainsaw.
TT: ;)

TT: That seems fairly over the top, even for him.
TT: But also hilarious, and I'd never forgive you if you didn't send me the video.
TT: Or if you were making it up, which I'm roughly ninety percent certain you are.

TT: Oh, by the way. Take a look at these.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "PlushRumpFabricChoices.jpg" --
TT: They're five fabric samples that Kanaya had lying around her room, and I'd like your opinion.
TT: I never had nearly as much contact with your brother's Smuppets as you did. Let me know which of these best matches the materials that he used.
TT: I need my gift to be perfect, after all.

TG: hey woah
TG: do you think i could admire something attached to someone without their permission
TG: i sent her a written invitation and everything
TG: just needed to make sure you were getting a good one

TG: no check it
-- turntechGodhead [TG uploaded "watchtheteeth.mp4" --
TG: it happened
TG: dude is whacked

TG: oh look at that your file seems to have corrupted itself completely by accident and not through me shoving a virus up its ass at all
TG: guess youll have to wing your way through shoving phallic imagery down my throat
TG: ^^^ was part of your prezzie
TG: youre welcome

TT: The fact that you had permission in writing soothes my racing heart. No more will I lie awake in the lightless hours of night, shaking, as I ponder whether or not my brother is intent on viewing my matesprit's posterior without her consent.
TT: Though it would be a shame for such a choice ass to go completely unscoped, wouldn't it?
TT: I mean, in the immortal words of a thousand shallow Earth rappers,
TT: Dayum.

TT: Oh.
TT: That is.
TT: Something.
TT: How could he swallow it whole like that?
TT: Why would he even try?

TT: The mental image of your thrusting anything even remotely phallic down your throat, while at the same time shoving something else up an ass, is one that I would have hoped would never sear my poor, innocent brain.
TT: You've caused me real, physical pain.
TT: Though I have to wonder. Is there something you'd like to tell me?
TT: Regarding a certain mouse-eating troll, perhaps.
TT: Maybe the flushed quadrant isn't the only one the two of us are dabbling in.

TG: B(
TG: you actually just made me make that face
TG: look at it: B(
TG: its the most unimpressed shit you could ever imagine
TG: im a one quadrant kind of guy
TG: so much so that i find the word quadrant offensive
TG: whose got time for that
TG: im a onedrant kind of a guy

TG: sides
TG: how the fuck could i hate a dude who squeaks when hes eating a mouse
TG: that shits just adorbs

TT: Ah, I see. I had it all wrong this whole time.
TT: Your blatantly caliginous bickering with Karkat is nothing more than........
TT: A ruse.
TT: A distaction, even.
TT: A mask between which the two of you hide your true feelings from the world. Feelings of the truest crimson. I must have misread your feelings for poor Terezi as well.
TT: Unless perhaps your flushcrush is unrequited! Poor Karkat just needs someone to hate, and you just need somebody to love.
TT: A tale as old as time. On Alternia, anyway.
TT: My deepest sympathies.

TG: there is actually vomit in my mouth
TG: come here so i can spit it on you
TG: you did this rose
TG: you are the one who has said something so abominably terrible it should be abominabominably terrible 2 x bominable combo
TG: me n tz are tight nothing to be misread there everythings as red as a virgin on prom night
TG: so im returning your sympathies to sender should get back to you in a couple of days
TG: try using them on karkat he probably needs them with my dismissal of his advances or w/e that shit was

TT: My, we're certainly feeling defensive today, aren't we?
TT: Now that I think about it, though, I did see a bruise on Karkat's neck the other day. I didn't think much of it then, but in light of the way you're talking....
TT: It's alright, brother dearest. You don't have to hide anything from me. I'm not here to judge.
TT: If you are experimenting in romance of blackest pitch with Mr. Vantas, that is most certainly your perogative.
TT: Though I would question your taste.
TT: But who knows?
TT: Maybe disgust is normal for a caliginous crush.
TT: Or maybe he gives the most legendary of hatefucks.
TT: Or...
TT: ...Recieves?
TT: ;)

TG: keep that up and im going to piss on everything you love
TG: give you a taste of true blackness
TG: starting with kanaya btw
TG: shed probably take that chainsaw to me
TG: and then youd be down half a brother and all a hateflirt
TG: which is good since after kanaya im next on the list of things you love
TG: and i dont want to piss on myself

TG: what are you doing inspecting his neck anyway
TG: youve got a way nicer one to look at

TT: I didn't know you were into that sort of thing.
TT: This is all going into my extensive notes I keep on your psychological profile, by the way.
TT: "Madly in hate with Karkat Vantas."
TT: "Disturbing fixation on watersport."

TT: I wasn't inspecting it.
TT: I just happened to notice. He wasn't wearing that turtleneck for once.

TT: Kanaya does have a particularly adorable neck, though.

Edited 2013-02-13 07:54 (UTC)

TG: sorry
TG: i forgot to say
TG: ill be pissing on those first since they are the true source of your adoration
TG: forever third best
TG: cant even sound pithy and say second
TG: you rip the poetry right out of me rose

TG: if you noticed that means you were inspecting
TG: theres something philosophical there
TG: cant see a possibly hickey on the cranky trolls neck for the trees
TG: except something thats not like that

TG: sometimes it seems like youre the vampire with all this neck scoping

TT: It's a good thing you don't know where I keep them, then. My notes are safe from your determined stream of revenge piss.

TT: You've caught me. I suppose there's no more use in denying it.
TT: From the beginning, Kanaya has fed upon me. And I, in time, fed upon her, in a bloody ritual thousands of years old, and in that moment, as crimson and jade blood mixed, I became something more than human. More even than a god-tier Seer of Light.
TT: A creature of the night. An unholy, hemophagous member of the no-longer deceased.
TT: I've tasted everybody but you, Dave. You're the last one.
TT: Your blood will be the sweetest of all.
TT: Sleep well.

Edited 2013-02-13 08:14 (UTC)

TG: jokes on you
TG: i dont even bleed
TG: my heart pumps pure irony
TG: switches between rainbows and ponies
TG: on alternate wednesdays its rainbow dash
TG: im safe from your supernatural period metaphors grasp

TT: I've seen you bleed, Dave. It wasn't all that impressive.
TT: Certainly not the geyser of irony you'd like to think it is.
TT: The memory is delicious.
TT: Nobody is safe from the period metaphors.
TT: Nobody.

TG: fuck i think i preferred it when you were implying that i wanted to get down and nasty with karkat
TG: can we back the truck up
TG: i could give you some more meat as well
TG: oh look there i already did it
TG: karkat = red = meat = edible = i want his bone
TG: there go work off that
TG: unless theres something that youd actually like to talk about that isnt excruciating
TG: youd better appreciate how much i like you to be keeping up with this

TT: You just make it so easy, even when you aren't intentionally handing me these things on a silver platter.
TT: If you'll allow me a small moment to be serious, though, I'm glad you are. And not just because you are so pleasantly fun to torment.
TT: It has been a long time since we've just bantered like this, even though we don't have a whole lot of options, these day.
TT: I missed it.

TT: Out of respect for you oncoming birthday, I'll let the matter drop and attempt to have rational conversation.
TT: Which is something that I hear normal people have quite often.
TT: How has it been between you and Terezi? I hear from her even less than I hear from you, these days.